The quiet beauty of AuDHD friendships

A few weeks ago, a friend messaged to reschedule a catch up we had planned. It had been a hard week and she was out of spoons. I told her I completely understood and was actually feeling the same way. When the spoons run out, powering through doesn’t work, you just need rest.

She messaged back ‘I love being friends with you, you just get it’.

And that message made me feel really emotional because I realised how much it means when people actually do ‘just get you’. It’s something that I don’t feel that I’ve truly felt throughout my life, that feeling of belonging, where you don’t feel anxiety about every tiny interaction you have.

That message stayed with me for weeks. Because feeling understood is still something that I’m learning to believe I deserve.

How friendships used to feel for me

I’ve talked about this before because friendships still seem to the area that I find the most difficult. A few months ago, there was a ‘challenge’ on social media to share a friendship that had lasted more than a decade and I couldn’t do it. I've always had such a small social circle, and maintaining long lasting friendships has been something I've never quite mastered. 

When I reflect on why I feel like I’ve struggled so much socially, I feel like my specific blend of ADHD and autism has meant that I’ve grown up being a fairly social person, with the ability to talk to lots of different people but with elements of awkwardness, moments where I’ve obviously said the wrong thing but I’m not 100% sure what, and where I haven’t always been able to read other people’s intentions or meanings in conversations.

It’s such a difficult thing to try and explain, and such a difficult feeling to process. People seem to like you, but they don’t really like you. The ability to mask means that you can fit in to an extent but you still feel like you’re on the outside of a circle that you can’t move any further into.

As I got older, I had long periods of depression and anxiety which meant that even when I did have a small group of friends, eventually they fade away as you often cancel plans because you’re so exhausted, or you can’t cope with a big group or you’re just overwhelmed with trying to fit in the way you feel you’re ‘supposed’ to. Something else that I’ve always struggled with is being aware that how I view a friendship is not always how someone else views it. I’ve sometimes been friends with someone where I’ve felt we were really close (because my circle is so small), only to realise that for them, I’m likely just an acquaintance. I once had an experience where I tried to set up a weekend lunch date with someone that I thought was a close friend only for them to say that they’d prefer to meet on a weekday evening because they saved their weekends for their best friends.

I entered my 30’s with very few friends. I lost my mom when I was 32 and realised how few people were there when I really needed them. And those that were around were often only there because they wanted something from me.  And I’ve since realised that this can also be a common experience when you’re autistic. I feel like I have such an optimistic view of the world that it simply never occurred to me that people might not be as genuine as they appear. And this isn’t to say that I’m completely ignorant of things like this, it’s more that they kind of sneak up on me and I have to really think about what’s happening and how I feel about it. Which is obviously pretty exhausting.

How my friendships look now

When I think about what my friendships look like now, I feel like there’s a quiet beauty of having this tiny network of people that have come into my life since my diagnosis who are autistic and ADHD too, or they're neurotypical and have taken the time to ask about my AuDHD and what I might need now.  Who also understand that the presentation of friendships in TV shows like ‘Friends’, (or whatever show might have been your reference growing up), aren’t actually realistic (although honestly, this took me a really long time). Who understand that you might not reply to that text straight away. That you might only be able to chat for an hour and then you’ll have used up all your spoons. That you will probably postpone catch ups a lot but it's not because you don't want to see them. That sometimes you’ll have less of a traditional ‘conversation’ and more of a back and forth where you simply talk at each other about a shared interest, like your love of Taskmaster.

It might be that you don’t hear from anyone for weeks at a time because energy levels are low, work has got busy or you just don’t have the space for conversation at that time. And before my diagnosis, I think I would have felt really guilty about not being able to show up in the way that I wanted to, or that I could only express my feelings in a certain way.

So, one of the things I’m grateful for, a few years on from my diagnosis, is that I feel so much more comfortable showing up as me now. I often don’t reply to texts straight away. I’m less anxious about how I come across, and instead try to remain focused on the fact that my intentions are positive and I don’t automatically worry that someone hates me because they haven’t replied for a while. It’s still not easy, but it’s getting better.

And what I love most is that the moment of connection — that message, “I love being friends with you, you just get it” — came on a day when we were both too tired to talk. No deep conversation, no effort. Just quiet understanding. And honestly, that’s everything.

If this helped, I’ve also written about how to build more neurodivergent-friendly connections in the workplace, because feeling understood shouldn’t stop at friendships.

Working with me

I'd love to chat if working with a coach who does 'just get it' might be helpful for you.

I work with clients on a whole range of ADHD/AuDHD work related issues, including understanding and advocating for your needs, communicating with others, exploring time management or organisation strategies, finding the right role or planning a transition.

I offer flexible, monthly packages with no contracts and email support in between sessions. Choose from online video, telephone or typed coaching options. You can find out more about coaching with me here.