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Navigating the waves of a later in life ADHD and autism diagnosis

Writer's picture: Allie WarrenAllie Warren

This article talks about the grief of later in life diagnosis - just a note here that I'm talking about any kind of diagnosis, formal or self diagnosis, self realisation or exploration - it's all completely valid.


I've spent a lot of January thinking about the grieving process after an ADHD or autism diagnosis and how, for me at least, it often just pops up, randomly and I still seem to be surprised by it. 

 

Two and a bit years after my AuDHD diagnosis, I thought I’d be further along in the grieving process. I thought, at some point, the sadness over what could have been would fade, especially as I continue to gain more clarity and self-acceptance. But grief, much like ADHD and autism, isn’t linear. Grief still appears, usually inconveniently, and comes in waves that I'm never quite expecting.  

 

One of the hardest things has been adjusting to the reality that I can no longer work at the pace I used to. For years, I worked so hard, believing my worth was tied to my productivity. Now, with more understanding of how my brain works, I know that the exhaustion that came with that wasn’t just me ‘not trying hard enough’, it was me unknowingly fighting against the way my brain naturally needed to work. Knowing that brings relief, but also grief. I sometimes miss that level of energy, being able to work full time (and earn more), even if I now know how unsustainable it was for me to keep pushing myself like that. 

 

And it can feel so frustrating to know all of this, for conflicting things to be true at the same time. In these moments, and when I have the spoons to think about it properly, I try to be curious and hold onto all the things I've gained instead of focusing on things that I might have lost. 

 

I know that I understand myself now and I'm able to communicate my needs in a much better way. I'm able to set actual, proper boundaries that help to keep me from burning out like I used to. I no longer force myself to fit into spaces that aren't designed for me, and that means I say no to things that I know won't serve me. I also no longer find myself trying to ‘earn’ rest. I vividly remember feeling like I couldn't enjoy a weekend if I'd had a day off sick because it felt like I needed to have achieved something in order to reward myself with relaxation.  

 

And I think most importantly of all, I now speak to myself with a kindness I never knew I needed (mostly, I'm not perfect!)

 

If you’re in a similar place - grieving, growing, circling back to grief again - it's okay and you're not alone. Progress isn’t always a straight line, and we're human, right - we're going to feel sad sometimes! But we can also learn to hold space for both the loss and the growth, the hard days and the hopeful ones.  


More support


If you're looking for a supportive and neuro-affirming coach, to support you at work and beyond, I'd love to here from you. You can find out more about ADHD/AuDHD coaching with me here.



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